Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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