I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
