Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
