I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Randomize
