soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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