I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
