After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I need a beard to bite.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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