I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
