What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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