Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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