I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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