My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
