well I can't set my house on fire every night
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can you bring me the toilet please
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
