Pregnant stripper...not hot.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
