My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
