i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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