I should be sponsored by Trojan
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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