just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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