I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
