You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
