My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Is it because I queefed?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
