so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
