it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
