I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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