Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
