can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
