3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
