I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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