Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
