Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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