I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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