But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
