porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
