the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
