this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
