I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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