everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
