awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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