I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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