Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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