I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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