rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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