fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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