the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
