when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
