and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
