Just fell off a train. Bad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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