somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
