i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
