And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
