I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
