I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
